Tuesday, August 5, 2008

so very alone

I don't know why I feel so very alone. I really don't. It's a feeling, nevertheless, that I simply cannot shake. It started this afternoon when I found myself napping at two o'clock. There's no reason I should have been napping. I had only woken up at eleven. I found myself napping and I began to question the meaning of my present existence (no, that's not really my usual thought on awakening). For the next two weeks (until I move up to Patrick Henry's campus), I have next to no responsibilities. I have a library book to finish and return. I have some straightening in my room. I have to buy ammunition for my airsoft guns. I have no job (it ended a week and half ago). I have no girlfriend. Since I have no job I have a limited amount of money (money that should be saved for college life) and can't do even moderately expensive things.

Essentially, I have no purpose for the next two weeks.

That depresses the hell out of me.

The feeling only got worse this evening when I went up to Anna's house to hang out with her family. Normally I love her family, but tonight seemed odd for a reason I couldn't quite place. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe I was just depressed from the day of introspection. Maybe I'm finally coming to grips with the full consequences of some things that have happened this summer. Maybe I'm aware on a subconscious level that I'm growing up; maybe I'm scared of that. Maybe I'm overanalyzing.

God, "Be to me a rock of habitation to which I may continually come."

God says I am never alone. That I can always find meaning in him.

But I still feel so insignificant.

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